Since the dawn of drug analyisis, users have been developing ways to fool the laboratories that were conducting them. Some of these methods have become reliable techniques, so we here at weedies thought we should compile the most useful and reliable of them all and compose a list of these sure-fire techniques.
The most widely used drug test today, gaining it’s popularity because of the quick and affordable results, contrary to something more expensive like follicle analysis.
What exactly does a urine test do? Well, to put it simply, when a lab tech receives your urine cup, they subject it to an immunoassay that will measure the amounts of drug traces from your system. Now, your body doesn’t really show THC in your pee, it will show a metabolite of it that was stored in your fat cells. This is where we can use a a little bit of trickery, but more on that later…
These tests have a measurement level requirement for each type of narcotic trace, so that there are no chances the test could have false positives. For instance, marijuana traces need to be at least 50ng/ml, or 50 nanograms per millileter, or 50 billionths of a gram to one thousandth of a liter. This gives us some protection when using the dilution method, since 49ng/ml will pass a test with flying colors!
Now, we need to determine whether or not you will be supervised, because that will really determine which method you should use.
Unsupervised Drug Screening
This is the most common type of analysis, since most of these are performed for pre-employment evaluations. An unsupervised screening is exactly that: a test where you go into a private room with a toilet and submit your urine into a little plastic cup. Kind of gross, but for the techs that do the testing, it’s a means to an end!
So the great thing about this setup is that it alows you to bring some help into the room with you, namely synthetic urine or real pee. These two products make it too easy, you don’t have to worry about ng/ml, or what you had to eat the day before, or if you’ve drunk enough water to throw off the tests. All you have to do is:
Use Fake Pee
First you need to decide which product you are going to use, synthetic or real.
Synthetic has the ability to be stored for over a year, making it viable for those tests that may or may not be coming up. You people with the random drug screens know about this! If we had to recommend a product it would have to ours! Or product is guaranteed to work just as well as the name brand guy’s like quickfix, but it costs alot less, since we don’t really have a huge marketing budget overhead.
Real pee, although a little bit gross, is a nearly perfect option for you northwestern drug users that are worried about uric acid presence. The main deterent about using real clean human pee, is that it could go bad easily. It needs to be air tight and frozen until used. Another consideration is if the person you got it from is actually clean enough to pass.
Okay, so now that you’ve decided on which urine to use, let’s go through the steps:
Step 1 – Ready The Submission
The first step to this technique involves heating the pee up to body temperature. Every product has their own suggestions for this, for instance: we have a heating pad that goes with our kit, you stick it to the bottle with a rubber band and poof, your synthetic pee is 98.6*!
Step 2 – Get the Submission into the room.
This where you have to be a bit sneaky, because even though you’re taking an unsupervised test, they may still require you to empty you pockets. You could either stuff it inside you pants, or do like we do, and wear cargo shorts/pants. You can’t empty these types of pockets out, so when they ask you to, just pat them down without revealing that you have a bottle of fake pee in there!
Step 3 – Submit the submission!
There is not much to say here other than the obvious, pour your urine product into the urine cup and voila!, you’re done! Protip: spill some into the toilet to make it appear that you actually urinated this submission. They will think something is up if you didn’t get a little into the toilet, or just tell them you have perfect aim!
Supervised Drug Screening
This test is for perps who have been ordered by a court to perform drug testing, probably due to a parole or probation agreement. The worst part of this exam, obviously, is that someone is gawking at you the entire time you are peeing. This is not only embarrasing, but it makes it nearly impossible to use a synthetic pee product. There are some some types of fake bladders and penises, but honestly the look cheap and could possibly give you up. If you don’t want to go back to jail, don’t risk it.
Going back to the minimum trace requirement, we know that if we can get our metabolites to show less than 50ng/ml, then we can pass. Well this next method is tailored specifically for that:
The Dilution Method
Now we’re assuming that you need to pass your next urinalysis exam for THC, because for most other drugs you can get away with it by just staying clean for a bit. If you are worried about showing signs of other drug use in your system, take a peek at our nifty detection period time table to determine if you are at risk.
Marijuana has the longest detection period, around 45 Days, because it’s metabolite (what’s left in the fat cells after you digest the drug) has a long half-life. Like 45 days half-life.
When the labs conduct a test, they will be checking for a few different key elements, not just a trace of marijuana use. Here they are included with a brief description of how to alter them into a test-passing example:
- Drug Metabolite – This is the tell-tale sign of drug use. Drinking water will reduce the amount you submit by diluting your urine. This only works as long as your urine is diluted though.
- Creatinine – A product of digested creatine, this helps labs determine if urine is real. Drinking water will reduce the amount, so we will need to add some.
- Density – An indicator of dilution, the color and weight affect a tests results as well. When digesting extra water, this will become low, but vitamin B will fix that!
- Temperature – Another indicator of real pee, but this is fine since it comes directl from the source.
- ph Balance – This should be fine as long as you’re not drinking acid.
Step 1 – Eat Meat!
At least 24 hours (a couple days would be better) before you take your test, you need to start ingesting extra creatine. You can do this by eating extra red meat, or preferably using a creatine supplement. Creatine is digested in 24 hours so it’s important to take it as early as possible. Protip: If for some reason you don’t show enough on the test, you could explain that you are a vegetarian.
Step 2 – Dilute Your Urine
4 hours before your test, start by drinking 16 ounces of water. Water can be substituted with sports drinks (do not just rely on a detox drink!), H2O is what we prefer. Keep drinking the same amount every half hour. It’s important not to drink too much, you can actually drown yourself (no lie).
Step 3 – Drink More
In about 1 – 2 hours (depending on your system) you should be passing ‘clear’ urine about every 15 – 20 minutes. Continue to drink 3-4 oz. more water to replace what you’ve lost.
Step 4 – Get The Color Back
1-2 hours before the test, take a multi-vitamin, or B complex (about 10 times the daily recommended dosage). If the vitamins are time release, crush them before taking. You may also take vitamin B with each glass of water, 2 times the daily dosage, if you find it easier.
You should have been able to rid your body’s storage of THC metabolites by urinating the last bit out before you take your exam, you can tell when it’s clear. If you added enough creatine to your diet, as well as enough multivitamins to restore your natural urine color, you should be able to pass your urine test with flying colors.
The All Natural Method
We saved this one for last, just because most of you don’t want or need to hear this, but if you stayed this long you might as well listen up.
Staying clean and passing drug tests is easy for people who don’t use or abuse drugs. It’s important to look within every once in a while to check to see if we have a problem. Addictions and abuse can easily creep up on us, without warning. When worrying about an impending drug test, it is a good time to do some soul-searching, and we recommend that you evaluate your drug use.
Too much of a good thing is never a good thing!